Monday, May 30, 2016

I'm back!

So, it's been a long time since I've posted on here...AHH! I feel like something always falls by the wayside and I don't realize it until it's super late. But they say late is better than never (or something like that)! I've been up at my cabin all weekend, and thankful for the extended weekend so I could spend more time with my family! Vlogging and posting on YouTube has kind of taken the place of my blog here, but I want to keep this up too, because sometimes writing is just so therapeutic. Even if I'm the only one reading this, it's good for me to keep it up!

A lot has changed this year, and my family has gone through a lot of struggles and turbulence. As a result I have grown a lot as an individual and have learned (in some very difficult ways) how to really enjoy my life and not take any moment for granted. I'm more present with people around me, and I try harder to connect with everyone and see the beauty and possibility of making friendships with people that I may have judged before.

I've noticed since my grandma passed away last February that I have had to really adapt in many new ways that I never anticipated having to do (at least in the near future). She was always the first person I would call if I needed ANYTHING. Literally anything. She would drive an hour just to bring me lunch or pick me up from school. Now that she's not here in the physical anymore, I've had to open myself up to other people, and also find a deeper sense of independence within myself.

Who knew one person out of place could really shake your entire world up? I didn't know that. Because logically, I have so many people around me, and so many family members. But I've noticed it's been a challenge to open myself up to people, and to accept that I will have to be vulnerable sometimes in order to deepen connections. And maybe I will have to let go of beliefs and judgments I have about people in order to feel more connected to the people that I have around me. No one will take the place of my grandma, but more and more as I open up, I notice there are people right in front of me that I can build stronger connections with, and most of all...I'm NOT alone.

A lot of my story in the last couple years has been about my anxiety. And rightfully so, given the amount of change I have had in my life recently, and the pain I have suffered from it. I have been working hard on myself, and seeing myself as a puzzle piece in the wholeness, knowing that this is just part of my journey, and not knowing what is ahead or how I will feel tomorrow or the next day is part of my journey.

I often protect myself out of fear of being hurt. I just figured that out. Phew...I've had a lot of enlightening moments since I made the executive decision to find a therapist to assist me. I've been going for about 5 months now (I think) and it's been such an incredible tool for me in understanding myself at a deeper level. I used to see it as a crutch, and I wanted so desperately to "be okay enough" or "strong enough" to not have to go to therapy. I thought that was a last resort.

When I hit a really difficult time in my life in January when my dad had a heart attack, I decided I needed that crutch. Now I see it as such a blessing because I am so much more empowered. And it's not because of my therapist, it is because I made a decision to work on myself and to get to the root of myself, and I'm learning how to be compassionate and gentle with myself WHERE I'M AT. I am struggling less with trying to be okay and resisting every anxious thought, and learning how to breathe into that moment and let the thoughts and emotions fly. I've learned resisting does no good.

I'm gaining new insights as I practice moving out of my comfort zone; trying new things, driving a little further, and doing more on my own, and it feels good! Sometimes I still get knots in my stomach and I want to turn around and go back home to my safety net, but then I remind myself that my safety net is within myself. I have created that, and my perception of safety is only rooted with my anxiety and not with what I can truly handle. So I'm making some big leaps and bounds I am proud to announce!

I'm learning new things even as I write fingers are moving a million miles an hour (and I told myself I didn't know what to write!) HA! So this is just a check in post, to let you know how I'm doing (honestly) and some of the reasons why I've been on hiatus. It's all good...we all get in funks every once and a while. The main point is that I'm going to try to remember to post more regularly, and I want to be really honest and not have to put on a face that is not authentic. I feel like I do a good job of that, but when it comes to anxiety, it freaks me out to share it sometimes, because I have unreasonable expectations of myself to "get prepared" or to "stop sharing about anxiety over and over again". If I do, that's because that is my life at the moment, and I will continue to share about my real life.

I have no doubt that I will continue to grow and expand and move more and more out of fear and into my true warrior self more and more. I remind myself in moments like this that I signed up to move through these fears so I can see the other side and be a more powerful healer and light in this world. And I also know the greatest teachers out there have all been through the darkness in one way or another. This is shame, no guilt. It is what it is, and I'll keep moving through to the best of my ability and sharing my story and my reflections. The ugly and the nasty if I have too...but also the joys and excitements.